People need to stop saying “Netflix & chill” immediately.

Nice guys do NOT always finish first. Bad guys are mean and sneaky and sometimes they get all the stuff, but as I like to say in my humble Smartest Woman In The World way, “their punishment is having to be them.” I would not want to live in the head of a bad guy. It’s ugly in there. Even when they get all the stuff, it’s not enough. Look at the guy in the White House. There’s a head that is full of bees if I ever saw one.

Straight Guys! This one is for you. When you are getting to know a lady via text, here are some things TO DO and NOT TO DO.

• do not send too many emojis. A signature emoji is acceptable. The occasional funny use of emoji, also acceptable. A smile is okay, so we know when your semi-hostile teasing is at least meant to be funny. A lady also enjoys a heart from time to time. But a blue heart is just plain hostile.
• oh. And you have to know semi-hostile teasing is a risky game. Proceed at your own peril.
• when a woman texts a fact about herself, pretend you digested it. Maybe even ask a question about said fact. This gives the impression that you are paying attention.
• when a woman expresses a preference for texting over phone calls, she is probably trying to get an impression of what you’re like before you go to that next step. If this makes you feel semi-hostile because you prefer the phone, that is your right and your feeling. But many women, especially younger women I imagine, feel safer in the text domain. If things are going well over text and you’re feeling the groove — try the phone trial balloon (this might be a time to employ that rare appropriate emoji. Balloon!) But don’t take it personally if you don’t get a green light right away. Lots of people barely use the phone at all. Ed Sheeran doesn’t even own one. This is a useful fact if you are one of those middle aged guys who needs to date a too-young hot thing because she’s hot and young, but also because you just realized you’re going to die. Anyway — if texting is going well it might be the moment for “this is fun, let’s make a plan for…coffee, tea, a beer…” In short, semi-hostile teasing about her preference for texting is an almost sure way to get you no sex.
• other not-as-smart-but-sort-of-smart people have said this — but a lady likes when you suggest a specific plan. Like “this is fun. let’s make a plan for coffee? I like Alfred (don’t say ‘Alfred’ unless you want her to know you’re a little not straight) on Melrose Place. Can do most mornings. What’s good for you?” That, my male friend, will get you closer to heaven.
• Don’t get needy before you even know the lady. Like, don’t. Meaning, don’t send a lot of “????” when you don’t get a response right away. Her cat might have died. Her boss might have called her in to a 4 hour meeting. She might be having sex with 5 yoked gymbros. It is to soon for ???  You’re not dating. You’re barely even communicating. Get over yourself and she might add you to the dude pile.
• If you get her confused with a DIFFERENT woman you are texting, or going to Alfred for “sort of not straight” lattes, or doing unspeakable kinky acts to — you’re probably DOA. But the only resort here is to admit it, or make up a passable lie. “Oh my God that was a joke for my sister! We make have this weird fake sex joke thing…” On second thought, don’t do that one. That one is creepy.

MORE TO COME. BUT I WANTED YOU TO HAVE THIS PERFECT ADVICE FOR THE LONG WEEKEND.

xo SWITW