A while back I said to my assistant, “when I am done with Hollywood I think I want to be a consultant.” She said — “Cool. Like, on writing stuff?” I said “no, on EVERYTHING.”
I’m sure it’s not uncommon to think one knows better than other people. Especially if you’re a type-A do-bug like me. But the thing is, I DO KNOW BETTER. I am the smartest woman in the world. If people would only listen to me, things would just run more smoothly everywhere. Here are some thoughts for free.
- If you’re thinking of opening a juicery or a poke shop — don’t. It’s too late. These are the “pet rocks” of food fads. They will soon pass. And you’ll have a shop that smells like rancid fish and/or old wheatgrass.
- However, if you’re thinking about opening a YOGURTLAND — get on that shite. Unlike Pinkberry they are not over-expanding and still have room to grow. Plus their yogurt is freaking delicious. (I tried to tell Pinkberry they overplayed their hand but Mr. Berry didn’t listen)
- The reason there is so much “Wine Swag” lately — notice all the t-shirts celebrating getting hammered? — is women are drinking (and smoking) more than ever. Women buy things. Women buy even more things when they’re hammered, I bet. Hence, Wine Swag. If you find yourself buying a t-shirt that defends your right to be hungover, you might want to check out one of the many great “sober clubs” around your town. SEE? I’m right about this. This gorgeous wine bag manages to justify drinking too much AND make a body feel shitting for living. The lovely coral bottle keeps your wine cold for when a lady needs to DRINK WHILE DRIVING for carpool or to hell.
- The reason women are drinking and smoking more than ever is because most women are STRESSED THE FUCK OUT. For most of us working is an economic necessity. We work to provide for ourselves and our families. It’s not because we “choose” to ignore our children or because we hate staying home and binging Netflix while crafting, we work because we HAVE TO. But, last I checked, the pressure to be a size 2-4, have bouncy hair and cute nails and be really fucking agreeable has only gotten more intense. The women I know want to excel at all of this, so they are at their LIMIT. They barely have time in the day for a breath, let alone “self care.” So what becomes “self care?” WINE MOTHERFUCKERS. Preferably drunk while wearing a Pusheen Onesie and not being touched or spoken to by any other human. So indulge as you need to, or decide to let some shit fall apart. But if see above advice if you go the wine route.
- The question “how do you juggle work and family” is not just sexist, it’s classist too (see above). We juggle it all the best we can because, again, most of us HAVE TO. That said, AMBITION is not a dirty word. I am ambitious and greedy for life/adventure and I want to make a fuckload of good shit AND be a good-enough mom AND not constantly be asked how I “do it when I have kids.” Ask every hard-working, ambitious man who has children that and then maybe I’ll answer.
- I don’t think “who are you wearing” is a sexist question as long as it’s not the ONLY question and you talk about the work you do as well. You’re wearing art on your body. It’s notable.
- If, like me, you can’t have wine (I drank my life time allotment of booze in a few years so that’s that) — ice cream is a lovely substitute. There are lots of cute t-shirts with ice cream on them if you need your addiction swag.
- If you are afraid you’ll get fat from the ice cream or wine, try this trick — eat what you want. Listen to when you are actually hungry and what you’re hungry for. It’s hard at first. It takes practice. But you will eventually find that you DON’T WANT all the ice cream (fries/cakes/marshmallows/malteasers/hamburgers/sushi/lentils/etc) in the world. You get sick of feeling gross. You start to balance out. And your body settles at the lovely weight it wants to be. For the rest of your life you will likely swing within 10-5 lbs of this set-point. So keep those pants, all the pants — but put the ones not in use under your bed or in your trunk or wherever. I know this advice is actually true because SCIENCE.
- Some things that people yell about being STEREOTYPES are slightly based in fact and science. Be careful with this one. But it’s sometimes true. Like — waaaaay back –women were the hunter/gathers and dudes killed things. So dudes have more of a biological thing for killing and women have more of a biological thing for gathering (shopping.) Women also used communication back in the cave days as a means of survival. “Gossip” is rooted in communication about people who were dangerous to the pack. Like this. “OOOK is a perv! Don’t let your small vagina-having one near that OOOK.” Or — “GRAAA has the spewing sick. She spewed on me a twice. Stay away from GRAAA.” So gossip can be for the passing of important information, but mostly these days it’s just mean and makes you feel bad.
- Women actually CAN’T do “anything a man can do” exactly. But we can do what WOMEN can do and that’s more than enough.
- Science and history get more interesting as you get older. Trust me on this one.
- They have it at Target for less.
- There is an app for that.
- Because so many women are working now, work/productivity stuff is getting way cuter. Bullet Journaling is an example of this. It’s way easier to look at an impossible to-do list when it’s pretty. Also, now you have to add “buy bullet journal tape” on your to-do list. Which is what THE MAN is all about.
- There actually are corporate conspiracies to get you to buy more stuff. Let’s refer to this as THE MAN (see above.) This is how THE MAN works — phase 1: “Hey, you! Lonely! Ugly! Ugly and Lonely? Yeah, you. You may not have even felt ugly and lonely until this very moment but now that I mention it — wow don’t you feel shitty? It’s too bad your skin/hair/butt/life/partner/couch/child/career is like that. Nobody gets you. You are alone.” This is phase 2: “Hey, you. It’s meeeeee. Your pal. Feeling down? Awwww. You need a beer/facial/designer bag/sundae/affair/pusheen onesie… That would make you feel better… I bet it would. Good thing your pal here has THAT ON SALE RIGHT NOW!!
- Male & Female Escort services for women are going to boom in the next 10-15 years. But they need to train escorts to give conversation that is at least as good as their head. A good slogan would be “We give great head & head“. Ha.
- Don’t start the above business unless you want to tangle with the mob.
- Women watch porn. More women should make porn.
- Paying retail for clothes is almost always stupid. But you may have to bite it if you want a brand new fancy bag.
- The High/Low fashion thing is FOR REAL. Get on that.
- Not everyone on Instagram is not actually having a great life right now.
- Getting what you always wanted is awesome but also really intense and scary and it takes a lot of work not to lose your fucking mind behind it, because it doesn’t actually fix all the broken things inside you that you thought it was going to fix. Also, nobody wants to hear about it and you can’t really blame them. If you watch The Crown (streaming now on Netflix) you already know that the solution to this quandary is to buy a castle for 1oo pounds from an old but oddly sexy Scotsman.
- Talk therapy works but you have to find a good therapist and go way longer than it seems like you should have to. And affordable healthcare SHOULD mean that everyone can get therapy who needs it. Emotional wellness should not be the domain of the upper class.
- No answer is usually the answer. If s/he/yo doesn’t respond to your text or call, that’s the answer. Don’t do the deep dive into the “why” of it unless you have the free time and want to end up feeling shitty and drink/eat/buy stuff you don’t really need. Like a sweatshirt that makes your head look like the top of an ice cream cone.
DUDES. That’s not even HALF of what I have opinions on. To be continued…
Love and peace,