Going to Sundance, perhaps? Or anyplace cold or where you’ll be for a long time? Or even just a place where you want to be prepared for eventualities, lots of them? Here are some things you do/pack when you are the SMARTEST PERSON IN THE WORLD.

BEFORE THE TRIP/AT THE AIRPORT/ETC.

Decide what your VIBE is. If you’re a guy going to Sundance, you’re in luck. You basically have two choices — furry or not furry. Most men in east of La Brea seem to think their talent, prowess and humor is stored in their beard hairs. So they are furry. Usually two types of furry –“barista circa turn of the century cum dandy” or “t-shirt with a band/comic book/wry statement/art snob/bar thing and jeans that should only be washed by walking into the ocean while wearing them and then lying on a rock until they dry. On the other hand, a baby face is a statement. It says, I have a face. Here it is. Also, I’m an agent.

If you’re a woman, your vibe is a much more taxing and/or delightful quandary. You have almost limitless options. If you are the smartest woman in the world, you might make a little Pinterest board of vibes. Then you should cry because what the fuck are you doing with your life?

Make your clothes look better. Jenny’s tailors on 3rd in LA is a great place. Tell her I sent you.

As far as for the cold, it’s going to be warm inside. So dress like a regular person and then put your cold stuff on top of that. There’s no reason to go all Grizzly Adams top to bottom. Hack move.

Those noise-cancelling headphones? I felt like hands got laid on me and my ears could hear anew. Even my little bud kind.

Treat your shoes. Get yourself some of that stuff you rub on them to make them snow proof. You don’t need to buy all special shoes. But do have at least one pair of shoes that keep your tootsies warm. And those packs you rub together and they get warm? Those are awesome. Buy them on Amazon or at a sporting good store.

Get some business cards made. Yes, I realize this is not the way. But think about the fast get away. No fumble, no squinting or yelling — “W or..U??” Whip that card out, bestow it and get thee hence. Plus you can get really great cards for not very much on moo.com.

If you have never flown classy, JetBlue Mint is awesome and if you get that shite ahead it is still not dirt cheap but so very sweeeeeeeeet. It is like the Target of business class.

Dress comfortably but make an effort for God’s sake. Pretend people will be looking at you because people will be looking at you. There’s a lot of looking in airports. That strange neither here nor there, “I’ll probably never see you again” thing really gets the old fantasy juices going.

Also, at the airport, and throughout your trip, be a tipper. Even if you’re the kind of tipper who needs to make sure the clerk is looking before you drop 2 bucks in the jar. (At the hotel, tip the folks at the front desk BEFORE they give you your room. Miracles can happen once you drop some sweet, sweet cash.)

Be nice. Remember that the rude person you’re talking to may actually be having the shittiest day for some real awful reason. And most of the time that thing you’re complaining/asking/crying about is NOT THEIR FAULT/POLICY/DECISION. Look them in the eye, make sure they see you seeing them and say “how is your day going?” Smile. What happens is even better sometimes than with the sweet, sweet cash. But still drop the cash. However, if somebody is just plain awful/unacceptable/offensive — try to calmly say so and then write an email to the deciders. If you must lose your shit, by all means, just remember that despite the fact that you feel like the airport is full of people you don’t know, if you’re going to Sundance you’re super wrong.

Eavesdrop. You hear the BEST SHIT at airports.

I put a little notebook and pen in my purse. Just for that. A drawing people who are looking at each other.

Don’t be an idiot. Know what one of the most common items at the airline lost and found is? Wedding rings. Check for a tan line.

Neck pillows are BULLSHIT.

Luggage tags are not.

Benedryl is the velvet hammer for sober drunks who fear flying.

 

PACKING

That carry-on. Is it worth it? Imagine this, you turn your bag over to the Travel Gods. Now your arms are free at the airport for all the magazines and chex mix. You don’t have to bump around or stress about the overhead. Or about packing that tiny bag, Tetris-style, on the way back, when surely you have acquired an item or eleven. So go unencumbered and hope the Gods are with you.

Do they have laundry there? Whatever. You’re not going to do laundry.

I get special cute ziplock bags for packing things which need to be contained and/or might become wet. I found them online and then at Marshall’s for way less. This is compulsive. I realize this. Also, I haven’t had sex in a long time.

Roll. Roll that shit.

Shoe bags? I used to think no. Now I think, I step on weird stuff. Yes.

Other little bags. Cosmetic bags, bags for all the cords, bags for the mini shampoos, bags for the accessories and hair crap. I flipping love all the little bags. If you travel a lot, keep them packed. And if you are the smartest woman in the world and you upgrade your stuff — like you have a cool new battery charger thing but your old one is also cool but not as cool?  TRAVEL BAG.

A folded duffle/shopping tote if you are on a shopping type of trip so when you come back — uh huh. Boom.

A black sharpie. These are great for touch ups on black shoes, even light stains on black clothes. They are also good for drawing a beard on that babyfaced agent. Make it a condition of signing you.

If you take medications, don’t just pack enough for the exact number of days/nights. It’s called ZOMBIES, people. Things can get delayed.

Painters tape. Think about it.

Mini steamer, blow drier, curling or straightening ohmygodmakeitstop

A mini speaker and a wee candle for good tunes/smells and the sexy time that never seems to come. People are intimidated by the smart. It must be that.

Tissue. For the crying.

Sex kit. Whatever that means to you.